Ruthlessly Honest Taglines

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Coors Light. What the fuck does “most refreshing” mean here? Most watered-down? What else could it mean? If they’re trying to usurp Bud as the legal king of watered-down beers, they should just get right to the point.

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Johnnie Walker. Alternate: “Keep Staggering”.

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Subway. “Eat Fresh Question Mark” would be another very honest tagline. But…that smell. It’s in every Subway. And no, it ain’t the “fresh-baked” bread.

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McDonald’s. Fast food, sometimes, too fast.

Arby’s. I haven’t eaten at one of these in decades. But I do remember eating one of their “roast beef” sandwiches and thinking “this doesn’t taste like roast or any other kind of ‘beef’”. So, I think their current all-encompassing, non-specific meatsy tagline is a good legal move.

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Red Bull. The energy drink was challenged in court over their “gives you wings” tag. They should be challenged over their real #1 side effect.

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Mercedes-Benz. Let’s take a look at a few car tags. That’s some high-level fuck-you arrogance: You drive NOTHING if you don’t drive a Benz. You are a ZERO. You might as well not even have a car, not even drive. Not even exist, really. US OR DIE.

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Porsche. Porsche is still the Douchebag Car for men. So their tagline should be hubristic and talk to them like the douchebags they are. But it needs maybe a skosh more douche.

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Honda. What does “The Power Of Dreams” have to do with Honda? What does it have to do with automobiles? WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? It is meaningless. So let’s write one equally meaningless.

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Stella Artois. “Be Legacy”? Out of what overreaching insipid mind did that come from? At least their previous asshole tagline — “Reassuringly Expensive” — made sense.

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Hennessy. An Odyssey? Dial back the bombast about a billion notches, you French Fuckers.

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Walmart. There will be more Walmart shootings (of various sizes) before the 2020 election. When not in NYC, I often shop at “Super” Walmarts (can’t beat the prices) in gun-friendly states. I am anxious every fucking second I am in there.

Copywriter/Copyranter. My hockey wrist shot is better than yours.

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