Maybe Stop Clicking So Many Buttons

Like. Share. Comment. Post. Accept. Confirm. Tweet. Favorite. Retweet. Forward. Reply. Connect. Follow. Heart. Pin. Send. Add. Subscribe. Message…click Click CLICK.

DON”T CLICK IT, MORON.

Please, stop.

Why did you do it? Why did you retweet a tweet that moved you not at all in any way whatsoever? Do you want to have sex with the tweeter? That’s quite a passive-aggressive woo-click. Just message him/her: “The reason I favorite all your tweets is because I want to have sex with you.” It’s clicking another button, yes, but it’ll be stopping many future clicks (except a “block” click by the woo-ee) — a click to save clicks is a good thing.

A bird sound word now causes people to get fired, sexually harassed, and even murdered.

And why did you favorite that other tweet, the one you didn’t even comprehend? And the next one about “the rain we’re having”? Did you really “heart” it? Are you hoping for some quid pro quo click-age from that weather-updating stranger who lives three continents away on your next tweet about what you ate for brunch? And is that the reason you’ve clicked “follow” so many times, when you know you’re not going to read even one of those people’s tweets?

It’s the new Heart Disease.

“Liking” something usually involves clicking a “heart” button. A heart means “LOVE” not Like. Do you really LOVE all the thousands of shit-posts you’ve “hearted”? Do you really LOVE that Michigan couple’s 107th photo of their fat & ugly & pukey one-year-old?

Why do you have thousands of Facebook “friends”, none of whom you’ve ever met, most of whom you’ve never even messaged with? Do you read thousands of status feeds every day? Do you really “like” Clorox, in a “social” sense (one million+ people do)? Why did you “like” that a loved one of somebody you don’t know, died? Why do you “like” your own updates? I think it’s a good mental health sign that one likes what one does, but isn’t it understood, generally, that you already like your update, since — *YOU* — posted it? You just can’t help yourself, can you? *CLICK* — “ooh look at the number go up one (*tingling feeling*).”

You wanna “share”? Share your lunch with a homeless person.

Why do you hit “Post” after writing, “I’ll soon be in you, Austin!”?

Why did you hit “Post” after writing, “Up at 3am watching “Uncle Buck”?

Why did you hit “Post,” after uploading that massively over-whored meme “Instagram is down, just describe your lunch to me”?

Related: Why did you Instagram your lunch? Again (Again [Again])?

The serial clickers doing the most damage are brand social media people. Before you hit “Tweet” or “Post”, ask yourself: Am I sharing something that will improve the Internet and, more importantly, my brand’s image? Or am I just figuratively shitting on my screen to help me reach my monthly engagement metrics number? If so, please don’t click that button. I know this may lead to you getting fired, but it also possibly may lead to brands reevaluating how they do social media, which may lead to them to possibly doing it in way that actually benefits them and increases their sales, which could maybe start a much-needed social media creative revolution…

I’m not holding my breath. Go ahead, keep your jobs, clicking rat-fucks. You realize Big Tech is examining you & your chronic click-abation to develop an even more impersonal Dystopian future, right?

L — one of BF Skinner’s button-pushing rats. R — This rat repeatedly pushed a button to self-stimulate its brain at the expense of eating, drinking, and other life-maintenance activities. Just like you.

Many of you are probably asking: “why should I stop clicking buttons, Mr. Killjoy?” Here’s why: By sharing/promoting/highlighting things that aren’t really interesting/good/funny — and admit it: you know (or at least, for God’s sake, I hope most of you know) as you’re doing it that your “things” aren’t really interesting/good/funny — you are greatly diluting the actual interesting/good/funny Web content.

A much better question is: why the Hell do you do it? Do you serial clickers all think that you’re leaving more of a lasting legacy by clicking every goddamn button that presents itself on your various screens? Do you think that by constantly “stopping time” by digitally memorializing every moment of your life that you’re living fuller lives, or even that you’ll maybe live longer? If you spent all that pre-click, click, click-spreading, and post-click-monitoring time doing burpees, then you would definitely live longer.

Seriously, you people are absolutely fucking incomprehensible to me.

Your right forefinger is hovering, isn’t it?

I checked: ClickThisButton.com is available. One of you web “gurus” should grab the domain, and then put one of the above images on the page and make it “clickable” with a “click” sound. Add an instant counter. You’d become a billionaire. Probably.