Jan 3, 2020
If Corporate Lawyers Wrote Taglines
Lawyers loathe creativity because creativity means “unconventional” even “risky” thinking, going out on a limb. Corporate lawyers hate limbs.
Below are a hypothetical in-house lawyer’s responses to ad creatives in hypothetical internal tagline meetings. The lawyer’s counter-taglines are on the right.
LAWYER: What does “good” mean to you, dipshits? Well, to insurance customers, good means (makes air quotes) “fucking fantastic”. Are you comfortable with saying You’re in (makes air quotes) “fucking fantastic” hands? Didn’t think so…
LAWYER: How many Army veterans do you know? Well, I’ve met quite a few. And do you know how many of them were all-out 100% humans? None. Not one fucking one of them, just like every other person on the planet.
LAWYER: Do you idiots know how many people eat themselves to death every year? I don’t either. But it’s probably quite a big fat fucking number.
LAWYER: Everywhere. I want to be. Is Visa in every supermodel’s pussy? You can not be serious with this ridiculously impossible to fulfill fucking claim.
LAWYER: Have you hipster bozos ever had cockroaches in your domiciles? You know what kills them? Fire, or five-to-ten stomps. You know what doesn’t? Spraying them…with anything.
LAWYER: Impossible is nothing? Are you FUCKING crazy? People will be jumping off cliffs flapping their arms and trying to catch bullets with their teeth and shit.
LAWYER: Jesus Litigation Christ. WINGS. Do bulls have wings? See my previous “jumping off cliffs” comment. Bulls do have big dicks. Why not “…gives you four extra inches”? Makes more fucking sense.
LAWYER: Amazing? Really. It’s a fucking…car, not a time machine or a Fleshlight. I drive a Lexus. It’s so NOT amazing I’m thinking of suing them for a few mil over this stupid tagline. (copyranter note: I hate this tagline.)
LAWYER: It’s not just wicked over-promising, it doesn’t even make any fucking sense. Gillette — Get, it’s some stupid rhyming thing you stupid copywriters like to do, right? Fucking stupid.
LAWYER: You’re guaranteeing “happiness”…from drinking fucking sugar water…Why not say “open pure fucking ecstasy” or “open enteral fucking bliss”? Nimrods.
